Session 007

Session 007: Raiders of the Lost Tart #

Date: 2026-08-08

Chapter I: Baking and Entering #

Twas a night choked by the cold, clinging fogs of Caliphas, the gaslights barely piercing the gloom of the cobblestone streets. The halfling cleric Al, the mighty Orc barbarian Helena, and the fierce Tripkee barbarian Rhea crept toward the dark mahogany facade of the bakery Ravenous. Trailing behind them was their inside woman, Fistula Skycrusher—though “creeping” is a strong word, as the fired baker was entirely sloshed, her clumsy footsteps and sloshing road-pop echoing in the night!

The place reeked of heavy magic, but Al, favored by luck itself, tickled the lock with his thieves’ tools and slipped them past the wards without a whisper. Once inside the velvet-draped dining room, the drunken Fistula stumbled about, knocking over everything in sight while the heroes investigated. In the back, they found it: a dark, unused oven that suddenly sprouted a magical maw, demanding a password!

Chapter II: Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Oven #

Before they could brave the oven’s maw, our cunning halfling Al had a bit of a guilty conscience to clear—or rather, to hide! He convinced the drunken Fistula to lead him down into the bakery’s basement to check Lucinda’s desk for clues. While pretending to search the desk, the sneaky cleric attempted a sleight-of-hand, trying to subtly slip a stolen note back into her papers. But even sloshed, Fistula had the eyes of a hawk! She caught him red-handed, forcing Al to confess the bitter truth: he was the reason she had been fired!

Though furious and heartbroken at the betrayal, Fistula looked at the note and realized the seemingly random names written upon it were a code.

1. Prince Aduard
2. Stacee Thistletop
3. Rax Yubby

“Pastry,” she deduced! With the password in hand, they marched back upstairs, and Fistula spoke the word to the enchanted oven.

Oh, what a grave error that word proved to be! The moment the password left her lips, the oven didn’t open to bread, it opened to the abyss, inadvertently triggering a chaotic trap! A localized dimensional hurricane roared from its depths. The heroes locked arms, straining with all their might against the gale, but the magic overpowered their collective strength. Whoosh! They were sucked into the fiery dark, tumbling through twisting dimensions until they crashed hard onto a cavern floor made entirely of crystalline rock candy.

Chapter III: Sugar Crash #

They had fallen into a nightmare realm of sweets, where the walls were moist sponge cake and the floors were hard candy! Their arrival was not a secret, for marching toward them were two mindless guards made of hard candy shells, armed to the teeth with candy swords and crossbows.

Before the sweet-tooth sentries could strike, the halfling Al called upon the heavens, unleashing a Divine Lance that viciously blasted chunks of hard candy armor off the first guard! Helena charged with a mighty roar, grappling the second guard, but the sugary fiend bit her! The wound instantly began to congeal with hot caramel, cursing the Orc with a sickening, crystallizing sugar disease.

But fear not, for Rhea was a tempest of rage! Flanking the foe, she swung her great axe and sliced clean through the guard’s candy neck, following it up with a brutal curb-stomp to the severed head! Yet, from the shattered remains crawled a pocket-sized mutant gummy bear, its orange body sprouting terrifying tentacles. Without missing a beat, Rhea leaped into the air and squashed the gummy horror flat beneath her boots. To save her caramelizing flesh, Helena frantically devoured the magical sponge-cake walls of the cavern. The arcane cake miraculously purged the caramel disease from her blood, though it left her violently sickened from the overwhelming sugar rush.

Chapter IV: Ooze & Ahhs #

Their path forward led down a narrow hallway choked by a grasping, sticky river of caramel. Using their wits, the party snapped rock candies off the cavern walls and hurled them into the muck, creating makeshift stepping stones to cross the trap. They reached a wooden door at the end of the hall, and from behind it, the cruel voice of the hag Lucinda demanded to know what all the commotion was.

Hoping to deceive the witch, Helena called through the wood, pretending she was a candy guard and claiming that a gummy bear had gotten loose. But the hag merely laughed, sneering that her candy guards didn’t know how to speak! With the trap sprung, two massive caramel oozes surged from the muck, ensnaring Helena and the hapless Fistula in their scalding grip.

Tired of words and fueled by rage, Rhea wound up and utterly obliterated the wooden door with a single, magnificent swing of her axe! Inside lay a disorienting, shifting room. Lucinda stood ready, but quickly turned invisible amidst the chaos. Rhea, thinking fast, crushed chalk in her hands and hurled the dust across the room in a desperate attempt to track the hag’s footsteps. But Lucinda materialized just long enough to strike, cursing Helena with a debilitating laughing fit and critically poisoning Rhea with her wicked candy claws. All the while, the clever Al lassoed a rope around the drowning Fistula, hauling their chaotic, drunken companion back from the bubbling doom of the caramel ooze!

And that, my friends, is where we leave our heroes tonight—knee-deep in caramel, poisoned by a witch, and fighting for their lives in a house of sweets! Throw a coin in my cup, and perhaps next time I’ll tell you how they made it out alive!